I've been right where you're at, honey. You've given a lot to this person, this humxn you love, this humxn who is struggling with addiction. Some days you wonder if you've given too much. Some days you're deathly afraid you haven't given nearly enough. But you're emptying out. Your well, that energy flow (your life force!) which always felt so full and overflowing, is now low. So low. Too low.
Maybe you're just noticing that you've forgotten (or never really known) how to care for yourself. How to put yourself on your own priority list. You know how to over give (ancestral shit) and frankly, you're over it.
You have your own stuff too. Maybe you struggle with feeling worthy or good enough or that you have the support of the universe (or even just your friends and family). Maybe you overwork or numb out to Netflix or stay so busy that you can't possibly slow down to hear and see yourself. . . something you dearly want from others.
And maybe things feel ok, manageable, maybe even still good. You get flickers of hope in this relationship. . .every time you're at the end of your rope you get reeled back in.
Then you're back in the rhythm of //
- making excuses for their behavior
- not wanting to fight about it so you give in
- keeping score
- using manipulation as a tool because "normal" communication gets you nowhere
- feeling self-righteous because you've done some inner work and it feels imbalanced
- feeling exhausted and crushed from the broken promises
- walking on eggshells because who knows what version of them you'll get
- stuffing down your emotions because IT'S FINE
The slow whittling down of yourself to meet this other persxn who's so beautiful, so much potential, so saveable. You can taste how sweet it could be if they would just change.
It's a struggle because you're smart and aware and yet you can't figure out how to fix this.
Truth is, you can't. Not even if you're the best fixer.
But there's something you can do. And it's you.
I did this work and it saved me. The humxn I loved? He's now my husband, 7 years sober, and we're 14 years into this wild experiment of loving and living.
I don't promise any marriage or miraculous recovery.
I promise to show you what I know.
How I learned to fill up with grace, self-love and trust. How I learned wholeness.
It's what I've taught hundreds of humxns.
It's what got me through the toughest times when I didn’t even know myself anymore. Which, in essence, was the miracle I needed even more than my partner's sobriety.
Then you can take that new language and create your life with intention, courage, and a new way of loving yourself and others.
Whatever you do with that is up to you, but I’d love to show you the way forward (with a broken heart as the ever-wise Alice Walker reminds us.)
We can do this,